Something big is coming. I feel like an animal preparing for a long winter. I don’t know what exactly will happen, but an instinct or the Holy Spirit tells me that something big is about to happen and I need to be prepared. How do I prepare for something when the only thing I know about it is that it is going to happen and that it will change my life?
My first attempt was to try to figure out what was going to happen so that I could properly prepare for it. This did not work. Eight out of ten times my assumptions are wrong. This tactic usually just makes me anxious and I end up setting myself up for disappointment. When I try to figure out God’s plans I end up making my own plans and asking God to bless them. I am working really hard at being content with the unknown. I don’t know what is going to happen and that is just the way it is.
I am buzzing inside with anticipation, and yet I know I must patiently wait. Part of me is scared that what is ahead will be difficult, but I keep reminding myself that I know the end of the story. I know that the fight is already won. Jesus wins. I win. What comes in between is a journey that strengthens my bond to my God and His people. That thought alone gets me excited.
A couple months ago I had to take a break from work and spend time with God. I felt like my brain was injured. Every time I tried to use it it crashed. Thinking was like trying to run on a broken leg. I hunkered down in the spiritual hospital bed God gave me-truth, hope, love, grace, and faith. For weeks I meditated on God’s word, was still in his presence, and I prayed diligently. I’m not saying this to brag or to prove that I’m a “good Christian” (The Lord knows I fall short hourly of being good). I did these things out of desperation. Nothing else gave me rest and rejuvenation. God alone gave me healing. Don’t get me wrong, I was seeing doctors, a therapist, and I went on anti-anxiety meds. I know each of these things are gifts from God and I thanked him daily for them, but it was God’s presence in my life that grounded me. He taught me lessons through my struggles. Not one tear was wasted.
Slowly I have started to see a purpose for my struggles. God has been tearing out all the unnecessary crap from my life and rebuilding me with truth and love. I have learned that I make idols out of my health and my husband. I have learned that I strive for perfection and have unachievable expectations for myself and others. I learned that I fear I am not enough and I’m not worth it. The cool thing is that God revealed these things to me in such a gentle way, that I never questioned His love for me. He didn’t condemn me (I have already been redeemed). He is correcting me like a parent corrects a child. Each correction is oozing with love and affection.
But there is something more. God is healing me, but lately it has felt more like preparation. Something is coming. I can’t explain how I know, I just do. I can’t explain how it feels, it just is. Something is coming and God is preparing me for it. Truths I have learned are being strengthened and fortified. Just as a squirrel collects nuts for the winter or a muskrat builds thick mud walls to keep out the cold, I am reinforcing my walls of protection and storing up spiritual food for a hard winter ahead. When I start thinking about what lies ahead I start to freak out. But I can’t go there. All I can do is prepare. I focus on the task at hand – fortify, gather, grow strong.
Something is coming.