Letting Go and Starting Over

Wow, I haven’t written in ages. I think I may have mentioned it a couple million times, but Dean and I are adopting! Right now, we are in the midst of all of the home study paperwork so things like writing must be put on hold. So, why am I writing now? Let me tell you:

Do you ever work so hard on something only to get halfway through and hate it?

But then, you don’t want to start all over because you don’t want to waste all that time you already spent on it? Or even worse, you don’t want to start over and hate the new one even more and just end up going back to the old one that you hate just slightly less? Am I alone in this? Well, that is what is happening with our adoption photobook.

I have spent almost a month working on this thing from scratch (because I wasn’t happy with any of the website templates out there) and today I just couldn’t go on. It just didn’t seem genuine or like me and Dean. It wasn’t how I wanted it to turn out at all. But starting over just seems so exhausting.

I really have no idea where this post is going, it’s more of just a rant I guess. Maybe it’s more like a, “Hey, this is the truth about adoption! This is my morning sickness!” Oh, but as I wrote that I just remembered something that is reminding me that starting over is ok.

A couple weeks ago two good friends of mine got engaged and they asked me if I would draw a map for their wedding venue. I was delighted and eagerly agreed. Map drawing was new to me, but I was up for the challenge.

I worked on the map for 4 weeks when I hit a similar wall to the one I have hit today. It’s a wall of crap.

I wasn’t happy with how the map was turning out, but I was running out of time! They needed the map in a week and I simply could not imagine starting over. I had worked so hard, but it didn’t look right, it wasn’t how I had envisioned it at all. I knew I was not going to feel good about giving the current map to them. I knew if I kept going with the current map I would regret not starting over just to see if I could do it. But what if it looked even worse? I knew this map was going out to 400+ people and I did not want to sign my name to the map I had. But if I spent time on a new map that turned out worse, then I would have wasted all that time I could have been spending finishing and making the current map better. Did I confuse you yet? Basically, I was in the exact same position I am in today.

I made the hard decision to start over. I mean completely started over. I even changed the direction of the paper.

But you know what? It was worth it. The map turned out great, and it was something I was proud of.

It was amazing how once I got a clean sheet of paper the new ideas just flowed from my pencil. I had to completely remove all my old ideas and start fresh. It was scary letting go of that old map and all the effort, time, and emotional energy I put into it and that’s where I am with this photo book. I’m back here at a place of letting go. Do I let go of the something that isn’t living up to my expectations or let go of my expectations and settle for what I have?

I have time, I’m going to start over. Wish me luck and skill!