I can’t seem to capture my thoughts. There are so many. Too many. I don’t want to be a victim, but my heart is breaking. It breaks for myself. Yea, I said it: it breaks for me and everyone who feels like I do (Michael, you get it, thanks for that).
Why do I have to miss out on the experience of pregnancy and biological children? Why won’t my body do what it is supposed to? Actually, I’m not going to do this in question form, because I don’t need an answer, I don’t want you to try and answer it or fix it. Just listen and feel with me for a second:
It sucks that I can’t get pregnant. It makes me feel unworthy of parenthood, ashamed, and broken.
It sucks that my kids won’t look like me or Dean.
It sucks that if Dean and I transracially adopt, our kids may spend their entire life feeling like an outsider because even if we surround ourselves with others that share the same race as our child, we are both white.
It sucks that I will not be able to able to lead by example with hair care routines, skin care routines, etc. if my child is of a different race. It sucks that my child may resent me for this or feel like I don’t get it, because I won’t get it. It sucks that I won’t get it.
It sucks that someone else has to let go so I can receive.
It sucks that I will forever feel indebted to someone else and will never be able to repay my debt.
It sucks that someone may resent me because I get to raise her child.
It sucks that we both can’t be happy.
It sucks that she can’t keep her child. It sucks that she may not have enough support. It sucks that she may not have enough financial stability. It sucks that she doesn’t feel capable. It sucks that her child will always question her reasoning no matter how loving or pure her intentions. It sucks that her child will run to a woman who has no biological connection for comfort, love, and security. It sucks that she will always be the mother but never the mom.
It sucks that it’s not enough to love our child regardless of race for our child to feel accepted and like “one of us.”
It sucks that transracial adoption may be harmful to a child and as a result, we may have to sacrifice our desire to parent as soon as possible, for the best interest of the child. Meaning, we may have to wait years for a white child.
It sucks that there are over 3,000 abortions per day in the United States alone. It sucks that life isn’t fair. (http://www.worldometers.info/abortions/)
It sucks that I can’t fix it.
Some things just suck. So now what? Do I ride this pity train around for the rest of my life? Nah…
So for now I cry…a lot. And then I pray. I pray that God will be enough for my son or daughter, because Dean and I won’t be and neither while his/her birth parents. I pray that I will not hold any resentments against our child’s birth mother. I pray that our child’s birth mother will work through resentments she may develop towards me. I pray that I will remember that if God says I am capable than I am capable. I pray that all these broken hearts (including my own) will be made whole with Christ. I pray that Dean brings me home a red velvet cupcake with cream cheese icing…see, i’m feeling better already!