Well, I know this isn’t what it feels like, but maybe, just maybe it is. Motherhood seems so close, this must be what it feels like to see those double blue lines on a pregnancy test. Actually, I have seen those lines on a pregnancy test and it didn’t feel this good. Fourteen days past my missed period I saw them and I didn’t believe them, because after 4 years of trying I learned not to get my hopes up, even when those stupid blue lines show up. I wasn’t pregnant. Turns out the CVS brand gives a lot of false positives. Not cool. It crushed me. But this…this feeling…I KNOW I am going to be a mom soon and I can’t seem to contain myself.
It’s weird, almost unexplainable, but I feel pregnant and not pregnant at the same time. Biologically, I am not pregnant. Emotionally, I AM pregnant. But here is the thing, I have no idea just how pregnant I am. My timeline is not the typical 40 week timeline (see that pregnant ladies? I’m even talking in weeks!). My pregnancy could take 6 weeks, 30 weeks, 52 weeks, and even as much as 260 weeks. So I feel suspended between major moments in pregnancy. I feel like I’m bouncing around between peeing on a stick, seeing my first ultrasound, and nesting.
Now, before I go pissing off all the pregnant women out there. I do realize that what I feel is not what you feel. I don’t have swollen feet or morning sickness. I don’t have someone kicking my ribs and pushing on my bladder all the time. But adoptive mommies to be have their own pregnancy symptoms. And if you heard my embarrassing bathroom stories, I think you might consider an overactive bladder very similar to pregnancy bladder. But that’s not the point. This isn’t about how hard pregnancy is compared to adoption or vice versa. This is about the fact that Dean and I are expecting. I am pregNOT…get it?
And here is the thing: I’m excited, I’m terrified, I’m thinking a different way, I’m waking up in the middle of the night, and I’m embracing the fact that I have no control over this situation right now. Even my body has changed. I don’t know if it’s the mental stress of adoption or what, but I’ve put on 25lbs. And honestly, it feels ok.
The other night I had a dream. It was terrifying. I was holding my daughter, she was a beautiful newborn with dark features. I fell in love looking into her little chestnut eyes. And then I felt something, a presence dark and evil. It crept into the room trying not to be noticed, but I was familiar with this presence, I had felt it before, and I was on guard. Without hesitation I said, “In the name of Jesus Christ I command you to leave!” But the response I got was not the usual response. The presence said to me, “I am not here for you, I am here for her.” This was new to me, I was only familiar with using Jesus’ name to stand up for my own body, soul, and mind. I had never been the voice for someone else in this circumstance. I held her close and hunched over her little form to create a barrier and I continued to pray in Jesus’ name. Slowly, but forcibly, she was being pulled from me. I held on tight, she was being pulled up and away and my arms were straight now. She looked at me with terrified eyes but did not cry. At this point I couldn’t find words for my prayers, my strength was being sucked from me, all I could say was “Jesus.” I said His name over and over and over and…I was awake.
My heart was still racing, and for a split second I thought I lost her, I searched for her little body, but mid search I heard Dean’s voice say, “What were you dreaming? You kept saying something over and over, it sounded like ‘twenty-six’.”
“I was saying ‘Jesus’.”
I realized it was a dream, but something about it felt so real. My little one was out there (in a womb) somewhere and I needed to pray for her protection. I prayed. I prayed for her and her birth mom and I prayed in Jesus’ name.
It’s crazy because I feel like I have trimesters too. The first trimester was after my very first dream about my little fawn and my brave boy. It was after that dream that I KNEW without a doubt that I would be a mom. And from that point on it was that dream that reminded me why I was going through all this paperwork, anxiety, nausea, exhaustion, etc.
But now the paperwork is over, and I have started to read parenting books, baby proof my house, and ask myself those “taboo” questions: “Co-sleeping, alongside sleeping, or Basinet?”, “Disposable diapers or washable?”, “Will I breastfeed or bottle feed?” Yes, believe it or not you can induce lactation to breast feed. When a friend of mine told me about it I made the same face you’re making right now.
But the more I read about it the more it seems like an option. But that’s not the point, maybe a blog for another day. The point is, it’s dawning on me that Dean and I are going to be parents. This second dream felt like a new step of waiting. Swollen feet or not, I’m going to be a mom. I may not be getting kicked in the ribs (although, I always leave the home study interviews feeling like I’ve just participated in an emotional WWF wrestling match), but I’m going to be a mom just the same.
The next step on our Adoption Journey: Home study interview at the house on Wednesday the 23rd.
Keep us in prayer! We’re pregnot and we’re going to be parents!