About a month ago I went to see a new doctor. As a women struggling with PCOS I have had issues with my OB/GYNs in the past and I heard this Doc was awesome. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go into detail about the caverns of my lady parts, but this appointment must be shared. Just like Jesus told the woman at the well all she had done, this Doctor, in Jesus’ name, told me about my past. Yep, that’s right, my doctor.
Imagine my shock when the Doc suddenly stops asking the normal flow of doctor questions and says, “A trauma that occurred in your early childhood is affecting your fertility.”
WHAT?! I knew exactly what trauma he was talking about, but how did HE know the trauma he was talking about?
I stared at him.
“This is going to sound weird, so I’m just going to say it. I have a guardian angel named Pedro. He tells me things about my patients so I can be a better help to them. Pedro didn’t tell me what happened to you, that is your business, but Pedro said that something happened to you when you were like seven and it is affecting your fertility. You don’t have to tell me, but it may help.”
I stared at him.
Then, I let it go. I let go of the shame and fear, and as tears streamed down my face I said, “I know what Pedro is talking about…” and I continued to tell this brand new doctor about my childhood sexual abuse. The weird thing was it wasn’t weird. This doctor was a stranger to me, but he didn’t feel like a stranger, something connected us: a deep love for our savior Jesus Christ. That love for Jesus surpassed any awkwardness and fear. Don’t get me wrong, fear and awkwardness were there…but then when I focused on what Jesus wants for me, the fear and awkwardness didn’t matter. God’s will was so much more important than my own comfort.
The Doc encouraged me to continue therapy and work through my past emotionally, but he also encouraged me to start working through my past trauma in my physical body. This is a very new concept to me, one that my Nanny has been trying to press on me for years, and one that I just could not grasp. I am just now learning about how my body has held onto trauma physically.
The doc continued…
“Are you a believer in Jesus Christ?” He asked
“Yes, I love him.”
“Do you have a support group, or a prayer team?”
“Go to them. You need prayer. Every day you need prayer from these women. Before I walked into this room Pedro stopped me and said, ‘Be on guard Doc, the woman you are about to meet is surrounded by spiritual warfare. Pray. The devil is angry with her, she is about to fly, she is about to take off, and the devil does not want it. He is throwing everything he has at her and he has been for quite some time. Most of all he does not want her to get pregnant. He is using her past to keep her from the promises God has given her. Pray and urge her to do the same.’”
This news did not surprise me. The Doc told me something I already knew to be true, but was too scared to admit fully. I have felt spiritually attacked for quite some time…years…on and off since childhood. I have been at war with spiritual forces that are often not acknowledged by this world. I’m not possessed; this isn’t the exorcist over here. My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. But I have felt hard pressed on all sides by forces I cannot explain and I have kept it mostly to myself because I have feared what others would think of me. But just because someone else can’t see a battle going on around them, does not mean it is not there, and I can no longer fight alone.
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and felt darkness all around you? Not just because the lamp next to your bed isn’t on, it’s a darkness greater than what our eyes perceive. This darkness is physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. This darkness presses in on every part of your being, threatening to overtake you. This darkness must be fought with prayer, scripture, and the authority of Jesus Christ. Some of you might think I’m crazy right now, I don’t care… this is real. I have experienced it, and it is real.
From a young age I was taught to rebuke the devil in the name of Jesus. I would wake up screaming that someone was in my room. As a teenager I would pray my rosary until I fell back asleep. There was one night I was so exhausted from fighting this spiritual battle that I called out for my mom and dad. I was in high school and I was calling out for my parents in the middle of the night like a child. But it was like one of those dreams where I couldn’t scream. All I could muster was a small whisper, “mom. dad.” They couldn’t hear me, and the darkness was pressing in. I literally crawled from my bedroom to theirs, I felt like I was crawling through wet cement, it took so much effort and time to get to them. By the time I got about a foot into their room I was shaking and crying, and that’s when my mom heard me. She ran to meet me on the floor, laid hands on me and prayed. Both my parents accompanied me to my room and prayed in the authority of Jesus’ name and demanded the demon to leave me alone. The weight lifted off and I slept.
I have had many experiences like this, but I don’t tell a lot of people these stories, because 1.) They are terrifying and 2.) I don’t want people to think I’m crazy. But lately it has come to my attention that the devil is gaining power. When we ignore Satan’s power and presence he is happy, because he is sneaky; this is what he wants. He is a sly fox, a prowling lion; he does not want to be spotted. He wants to hunt you and then take you down. (1 Peter 5:8-9)
I am sounding the alarm! He is on the prowl and he is not alone. He has a legion of demons fighting with him!
This is important, this fight is real! Put on your armor! Ride out with me! Fight with me! We will not die, I promise you! The outcome is already decided…we win! But we must fight! (Isaiah 54:17)
I am once again reminded of Lord of the Rings, specifically, the battle at Helm’s Deep. Sometimes, I feel like Théoden: the Orcs and Uruk-hai are about to break through the gate and the battle seems unmanageable: “The fortress is taken, it is over…so much death; what can men do against such reckless hate?” (Sorry, I just can’t contain the nerd…)
But it doesn’t have to end there! There are loads of us fighting this battle! Satan may have a legion of demons like the Orcs and Uruk-hai, but we have more than that!
Aragorn urges Théoden to keep fighting. He reminds Théoden why they were fighting in the first place, not for glory, but for his people. Aragorn didn’t tell Théoden to retreat, but instead he urged Théoden to face his enemy with Aragorn at his side. Aragorn was given a promise by Gandalf, “look to my coming at first light on the fifth day; at dawn, look to the east.”
We must do the same! Ride out with me. Put on your armor and ride out with me. Trust in the promises of Christ and ride out with me! We have something the devil does not have: Light…Christ…life!
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)
I will keep silent no more about this battle I have been fighting, because I know there are others out there fighting too and we need help. If we all put on our armor and suit up for battle we will have a huge army, backed by light, which cannot be defeated!
I’m not just going to wait for the devil to pillage my life, let’s run out to meet him! Let’s run out fully protected with prayer, faith, righteousness, truth, salvation, the gospel of peace, and the word of God! It’s not just a couple of us, so many of us are being attacked. Recognize your need for your armor and get out here and fight with us! Just as Gandalf lead the charge of reinforcements into helm’s deep, Jesus is leading a charge of angels, saints, and other believers. We will win this, but you must fight! Ride out with me!
After discussing a plan of attack for every aspect of myself: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, the Doc shook my hand and said, “It was so nice to meet you, you are a beam of light (my new name!), and I hope I am the one that gets to introduce you to your son.”
Coolest. Doctor. Ever.