Day Three: I am Healed

Standard

(You can find Day One here and Day two here.)

I woke up convicted. But I was still scared. Trusting God with the most intimate details of my life was still very new to me. I mean, come on, I grew up thinking He abandoned me and ignored my cries for Him during my time of abuse. It had been less than two days since I found out He was actually with me during those abuse filled sleepovers. I believed Him… but my infertility…I didn’t know if I was ready to trust Him with that too. I mean, I had been trying to trust Him with that, but the real problem was that I didn’t believe He actually heard me when I cried to Him. I have cried to Him for nearly 7 years and nothing changed, He couldn’t have heard me, or if He did, He ignored me.

I didn’t really believe He ignored me, it didn’t match up with His character and nature, but He wasn’t defending Himself or denying it, and my feelings (which have often led me astray before) were so strong and stuck in abandonment mode. How could my mind know He has heard my cries and my heart still feel abandoned and ignored? I was a bundle of confusion.

Once again, I groggily made my way into our morning worship, bible study, and meditation time, and was instantly enveloped in a song:

Let the King of my heart

be the mountain where I run

The Fountain I drink from

Oh He is my Song

Let the King of my heart

be the shadow where I hide

the ransom for my life

Oh He is my Song

You are good

good

ohhh

Let the King of my heart

be the wind inside my sails

The anchor in the waves

Oh He is my Song

Let the King of my heart

Be the fire inside my veins

the echo of my days

Oh He is my Song

You are good

good

ohhh

You’re never gonna let me down

You’re never gonna let me down

I felt like my mind was singing to my heart, “come on heart, let Him be king, let Him protect you, ground you, bring life to you!” And with each, “You are good, good, ooooh. You are good, you’re good, ooooh” I felt His goodness wash over me. With my right hand on my heart and my left hand in the sky I praised my Jesus. I believed in His goodness and I FELT His goodness. And then… “you’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down, you’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down.” And I sang it, and I professed it, and I believed it, and once again the front of my shirt was covered in tears and snot and this time it wasn’t even 7am.

 

And God didn’t just leave it there. In meditation we were shown a picture full of word phrases that stated what we are to God. We were instructed to look at the phrases and then meditate on the one that stood out to us.

FullSizeRender (6)

“I am…not abandoned (Lam 3:31)”

 

“Ok God, I get it. You ARE good, and I am NOT abandoned, so I can trust You when you tell me to have the Holy Embers pray over me. But I need Your help, I’m scared to ask. I feel silly, or like I’m trying to get all this special attention. I need You to help me.”

 

No sooner had I sat down to breakfast, then one of the Holy Embers sat next to me and said, “Ok, tell me if I’m just letting my character defects get in the way, or if this is a God thing…if this isn’t a God thing just tell me to shup up…”

 

“Ok…” I replied

 

She said, “I think I heard God speak to me this morning during meditation. I think he wants all of us to pray over you.”

 

I laughed, “that is totally a God thing!” and I told my Holy Ember sisters all about what God had been telling me. And they all decided, that at some point that day they would lay hands on me and pray for my healing.

IMG_6992

But there was one thing I was still confused about. God told me I was healed, so why did I need prayer for healing? It didn’t make sense to me, but what I had been learning is not to run from those questions, but to ask God face to face. So I asked Him and then I waited for an answer.

 

I didn’t wait long. Ten minutes before lunch I laid in savasana during Jonnie’s Holy Yoga Slow Flow class. Right hand on my heart and left hand in the sky, I sang along to “I am Healed” by River Valley Worship:

Lord I am desperate for your power

 I need a miracle

Lord I am desperate for your touch

I need your miracle

heaven’s floor is shaking

healing rain is falling

and I am healed

I know I am

for my God

says I am

come what may

my faith will stand

I am healed I know I am

You are speaking, faith is rising

I need a miracle

Christ my healer, the work is done

I have my miracle

I am healed, I know I am

for my God says I am

come what may, my faith will stand

I am healed

I know I am

I know I am

‘cause you say I am

sickness you have no power here,

darkness you have no power here,

chaos you have no power here,

in Jesus name

sickness you have no power here,

darkness you have no power here,

chaos you have no power here,

in Jesus name

I am healed, I know I am

for my God

He says I am

come what may, my faith will stand

I am healed, I know I am

I am healed, I know I am

for my God says I am

come what may, my faith will stand

I am healed, I know I am

 

While I sang, I felt God’s presence. Once again I was sobbing (oh my God, was I ever going to make it through one class without crying?) and I felt God’s assurance. I knew I was healed, I believed I was healed, but God wanted me to claim it. He didn’t want me to forget reality and go back to living in the lies, and that was where the 7 other Holy Embers came in!

After lunch, the Holy Embers had small group time. I sat there half listening to our leader (sorry Dianne!) and wondering when we were going to get the time to pray. Our days were so packed full of yoga, anatomy classes, and posture breakdowns, that I feared we wouldn’t have time. Just then Dianne, our leader, confessed that she had to leave small group time early to shoot a Holy Yoga TV class. Once again, God came through, and provided us with the time we needed to do His work.

 

It felt weird at first. We were outside and the grounds were peppered with other small groups. I sat in a chair while the other ladies circled around me. I then asked what God wanted me to ask, “can you guys lay hands on my belly?” without hesitation, my dear sisters placed their hands on my belly and began to pray. It was amazing to hear their prayers, to feel their belief in the goodness of God, and to claim alongside them the healing that we all already knew had happened. Some of them thanked God for the child I would bear, some of them prayed for my strength in times of doubt, some of them oozed with pure joy at the promise that I would be a mom, but we all claimed the healing, claimed my fertility, claimed the promise, in Jesus’ name. It was amazing. That was why God wanted me to be prayed over. Not because their prayers healed me, no, God had already accomplished that, but so that in my times of doubt (which I have often) I would have seven sisters to remind me of the truth. Isn’t seven a holy number?

Already, I have had to rely on them to remind me (two days ago actually…), and they did. With flying colors they reminded me.

IMG_7146

Sickness, you have no power here.

Darkness, you have no power here.

Chaos, you have no power here.

In Jesus’ name.

I am healed, I know I am, ‘cause my God says I am.

 

Oh, btw, there is still more! I know right?

eph3-20-21-640x640

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Day Three: I am Healed

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s