By day four of my Holy Yoga training retreat, I truly believed God was done with me for the week. I thought I had cried all I could cry and realized all the revelations He had for me at that time. So when we had our evening bible study on the topic of forgiveness, I smugly sat back and relaxed. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but God had been working on my abuse and infertility and I wanted to stay in that realm. I didn’t cause my abuse and I didn’t cause my infertility, so I didn’t have anything to apologize for. I didn’t want to go jumping around in my past just to find something to apologize for and then get distracted from what God had me focusing on.
I listened, but I didn’t relate it to myself at the moment. I appreciated the message, but I didn’t quite take it in. And then we were sent out into the night and told, “you’ll know what to do, and you’ll know when to come back.”
I walked out into the dark night along with everyone else. The lights of the camp had been completely shut off. Even the moon was dark because it was a new moon. The only light was from the stars, and there were billions!!! Billions and Billions! I walked into the field and laid on my back in the grass. I wanted to see as much sky as I could. I wanted to take it all in.
“My God is so great and amazing! He created all of this! Did He create stars just so we could enjoy them? I may never know, but I’m enjoying them now.”
And then I remembered something I had read in Genesis 15 years ago:
The Lord’s Covenant With Abram
After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:
2 But Abram said, “Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit[c] my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?” 3 And Abram said, “You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir.”
4 Then the word of the Lord came to him: “This man will not be your heir, but a son who is your own flesh and blood will be your heir.” 5 He took him outside and said, “Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring[d] be.”
6 Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.
I remembered the covenant God made with Abram years before Sarai bore their son, Isaac. It reminded me of the covenant God had made with me almost 6 years ago.
Psalm 113:9 “He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.”
As a laid there in the grass gazing at the stars that represented Abram’s descendants, I thought of how faithful God was to Abram and Sarai. I thought of how faithful He had been to me. And then it struck me, God had been faithful, but I had not. God had given me a promise and I heard it but I didn’t believe Him when the promise seemed out of my control. And when I was no longer in control, I would run from my Lord’s path and try to make it happen out of my own power. Although, unlike Sarah, I did not send my servant into my husband’s tent so He could impregnate her. BUT, I did try to manipulate my situation as much as possible and prove to God that I was worthy of children. I was spending each day trying to prove that I was ready for His promise. I wanted to decide the timing, just like Sarah.
I was suddenly aware of all the people surrounding me in the field. There were sobs and sniffles. I could feel the apologies of others surrounding me. I could feel their grief and sorrow being recognized and confessed. And then I was writing. I couldn’t see but I was writing:
“My Darling Father,
I’m sorry for not seeing you. I’ve been ignoring you. I have abandoned you. Everything I thought you did to me I was doing to you. Jesus, forgive me. I am so sorry. I was caught up in my own wounds and I didn’t even recognize yours, your saving wounds. Thank you for your forgiveness and your safety. I love you.”
I couldn’t believe it, this whole time I was mad at God when I was the one doing the offending! I was so focused on my own hurts and wounds that I couldn’t even recognize His. At least doubting Thomas placed his hands in Jesus’ wounds and recognized them. I was so caught up in my own pain, searching all the corners of my own wounds, that I didn’t even realize if I touched Jesus’ wounds, mine would go away. He kept saying, “come to me, place your hand in my side” and I kept saying, “Jesus, you don’t understand, I am so hurt.” And He would say, “come to me and you will no longer be hurt” and I would say, “I’m hurt, you should come to me!”
DUDE! I just realized this…I am the criminal on the cross next to Him. Not the “good” one either. I’m the criminal that was dying next to Jesus and was still an asshole!
“One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: ‘Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!’”
I’m kind of an entitled brat…I’ll just blame it on my parents like the rest of the millennials…Just kidding mom and dad!
But the cool thing was that I had no doubt in my mind that God forgave me. He listened to me confess, but even before I was finished confessing I felt His love and forgiveness wash over me. I felt clean; squeaky clean. I lay in the grass and watched the stars and felt like a star myself. God didn’t even hesitate to forgive me. He didn’t even make me sit in my grief. I confessed and He forgave, just like that.
For The Cross
The life You gave
Your body was broken
Your love poured out
You bled and You died for me
There on that cross
You breathed Your last as you were crucified
You gave it all for me
Hallelujah, what a Savior
Hallelujah, what a friend
Hallelujah, King forever
We thank You for the cross
There in the ground
Sealed in the darkness
The frame of the Father’s son
He watched His only Son be sacrificed
He gave it all for me
But on that day
What seemed as the darkest hour
A violent hope
Broke through and shook the ground
And as You rose
The Light of all the world was magnified
And You rose in victory
Hallelujah, it is finished
Hallelujah, it is done
Hallelujah King forever
We thank you for the cross
And though our sins are scarlet
You have made us white as snow
Ok, now I had definitely experienced everything Christ had planned for me…but once again I was wrong. Keep and eye out for my next post to hear how God physically healed me!