I finally summoned up the courage to ask the agency if our profile has been shown. I hadn’t wanted to ask, because I didn’t think it would make a difference to know: If it had been shown then I would just be disappointed we weren’t picked, and if it hadn’t been shown I would wonder why we weren’t matching with anyone. But after 7 months of staying in the dark, I decided I wanted to know. Whatever it was, it was. It doesn’t change the goodness of the plans God has for me and Dean.
“Oh yes, we’ve shown your profile, we’ve shown it five times. Three of those times the mothers made a decision to parent and two of those times the birth parents picked a different family.”
It took me a little while to let this information sink in. Wow, 5 times in the past 7 months is pretty good, but we still haven’t been chosen. I was a little disheartened, a little irritated, and feeling at the end of my rope.
But this was really an answer to prayer. I’ve been praying for birth mothers. Praying they will find a way to parent. Praying they find confidence in the provision of Jesus. Specifically, I pray Psalm 127 over them.
1Unless the LORD builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the LORD guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
2It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.
3Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
5How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Sometimes I get names from the holy spirit and sometimes I don’t. So why was I sad that these prayers were at the beginning of being answered? Because, I so desperately wanted to be a mom too.
This blog entry is mostly just a bunch of ramblings about my feelings. I am at a place where God has spoken, and now I just wait and choose whether or not to cast my fears on him. Do I trust Him? Will I take Him at His word? Will I immerse myself in the nature of His goodness instead of drowning myself in my fears? It’s a daily decision. Sometimes it’s an hourly decision. Today it’s a decision I am making every moment.
Today, I mourn, but I also celebrate that for the fifth time since February, my period has come on the day it was scheduled. For the fifth time I did not have a day past due and wonder, “could it be?” Sure, during the two week wait I had my moments of “maybe this time…” but those feelings intensify even an hour past my expected period. My body is doing what it should, and my God is protecting my heart.
But this waiting, oh God, this waiting is taking a toll. I feel your goodness all around me, Lord. I sense your presence and your will; It is the best and also the most frustrating. I truly feel my Scout is a child not born of my own womb. She is a child born of my heart and the womb of another. My brave boy is born of my womb. But his time has not yet come. Scout’s time is coming. She is on her way. I feel it. I feel these spiritual contractions. I couldn’t imagine giving up my Scout, even for a child of my own. I’ve met her, my sweet silent fawn. I’ve met her. I can’t ever go back. I know it was just a dream, but it doesn’t matter. It was so real, it was a gift from You, Father, I know it. I saw her dark hair, I saw her dark eyes, I saw her rich colored skin. I felt her hugs. She never spoke, she didn’t laugh like Casey did. She was quiet, reserved, beautiful, delicate, loved. I long to meet HER; I long to love HER and be HER mother.
So, my dear Scout, I’m waiting for you. God is protecting our families and ensuring we meet. I am praying for your birth mommy. She is preparing to meet you too. She is scared, and maybe you feel that, but I’m not, my sweet daughter. God is good. He is working. He is in this. He has gone before. Can you feel my prayers feeding you spiritually? Can you feel the excitement of life? Feel that heartbeat? That’s yours and I am so glad! I am celebrating your life! I am thanking God for his protection over your little body. I am thanking God for your birth mommy and her courage.
You see, I don’t get a sonogram of your little body like other mom’s do. So God sends me his own visions of you; His own little snapshots of you. I heard you crying the other day. I was so tired, so I laid down on the couch, just for a short 30 minute rest after lunch. As I laid there trying to fall asleep, I heard a cry. It was a baby’s cry, and I knew it was you. I instantly got up, ready to pick you up and hold you close and comfort you, but your cry was gone. It evaporated into the sounds of my home. I whispered, “I love you, it’s going to be ok” and hoped that just as I heard your cry, you would hear my comfort.