I was keeping some short little journal snippets leading up to moving day and then afterward. I wanted to share these on here, because they are raw and real, and now looking back at them I can see God all over it! The flashbacks will be in bold, and any additional information I add afterward will be in regular text.
These little flashbacks will give you some insight into how our move went and how our match with Sammy happened in the midst of it. I mostly want to post these for two reasons:
- Because God is so cool and it is clear he had it all figured out!
- Because I want you all to get a more accurate picture of the adoption world. I want you to see what really goes into the home inspections, but I also want you to see how many people work their butts off to help you. I want you to see how things that seem impossible (moving the same week you are matched with your son) are possible.
*I have changed names and omitted dates*
9 Days Until Moving Day
“He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children.” Psalm 113:9
Once again I was feeling gyped…either God was a liar or I wasn’t understanding something. It’s not unusual for me to not understand, I am always the person asking those “stupid” questions in meetings. But I really don’t get it sometimes and I’m starting to realize my brain thinks a lot differently than other people’s and that’s ok. But this time…was I really misunderstanding?
God gave me the promise of Psalm 113:9 back in 2010, when I lived in my little apartment in Columbia, MD. Dean and I had been searching for a house to buy and I received a lot of comfort from knowing that once God settled me in my home, he would give me children. Well, as you all know, Dean and I did a lot of settling, and still had no children.
But the children would come! I knew they would, because our house was a home and it looked like us, and we were established in the community. In every sense of the word we were “settled”. My mind often works in “if”… “then”… statements: “If we are established in our home, then we will get a baby!” But God doesn’t often work that way…
And now I’m packing up my house and feeling disappointed because I have to settle myself in a new home, which means it will be even longer before I become a mother. I really thought it was going to happen soon. I felt like everything was in order. Now everything is out of order and I can’t bear the thought of starting this process all over again.
5 Days until Moving Day
“Joanna has picked you two to raise her son, Baby Lavon. She read every single word in your book, twice! She said she loved your youthfulness, the fact that you didn’t have any children, your large supportive family, and your strong faith in Jesus. Revocation ends in 10 days at 5pm.”
(The revocation period is the time in which a birth parents can change their minds about placing their child for adoption after signing the papers. Each state has a different revocation period ranging from 24 hours-30 days. Basically, once the revocation period ended we would know if Baby Lavon would be coming home with us.)
That call was the best, most terrifying call to date. Our agency told us to call them at 9am today, but Dean and I both thought it was just to go over some stuff about our move. We had no idea it was going to be a match call!
But now what? I have 10 days of waiting. 10 days of praying; praying that my will is finally aligning with God’s. Praying for Joanna and all she is going through. Praying that this can all still happen with the move going on. But I can’t pray that Baby Levon would be mine, not if it means hurting Joanna, not if it means going against God’s will. I want to know that it’s God’s will that Baby Levon will be mine so I can pray that he would be mine without hurting someone else. I can’t bear the thought of Joanna’s loss.
“God, Is he mine?”
The question tumbled out of my mouth before I could think twice about it. I stood there in the shower…sobbing. Sobbing for what seemed like hours, trying to make sense of the morning, trying to understand fully what God’s plan was.
“Just tell me God, is he mine? Is baby Levon mine?”
“No, Elizabeth, he is mine.”
“Oh, right, yes, I’m sorry God, I know that, Amen, yes, he is yours.”
Five minutes later…”But is he going to be mine?!”
“No my darling, he is mine and he will always be mine.”
“Right, yes. You’re right. Of course You are right…. I’m scared.”
“Can’t you ease my mind? Can’t you let me in on your plan? Can’t you tell me what will be? I just want to know if I should guard my heart.”
“All you need to know is that he is mine.”
And then there was silence.
My fear was that I would think about Baby Levon as my son and then he would be taken away from me. My fear was that I would once again be flooded with disappointment. My fear was that I would not be able to handle the pain of loss, not again. Even now, just thinking about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. My heart is racing, my stomach is lurching, and my mind is shutting down.
In that moment of fear I knew what I had to do, God had been preparing me for years now, when I am scared and when I doubt I fight those lies with truth. I began to sing, “You are good, you’re good, oh.” And with every exclamation of “you are good” I was able to surrender a little piece of my life plans to my Lord and savior. Surrendering the little baby boy that could possibly be my son to the will of God and relying on the truth of God’s goodness to bring me peace instead of the “idol of understanding” I so often run to.